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⅓ Life Crisis: Road To A Better Me

Jealousy
CC By-SA 2.0 by Quasic

Back in January I had to break something – something very close, dear, and important to me. For a reason, a reason so great I’m willing to risk everything even the possibility that it will be impossible to fix and heal that which I broke.

It’s for changing, learning, and picking up the pieces that I lost through the years. Years that were filled with anger, hatred, distrust, and bitterness. It blinded me. I entered the denial-stage. Changes came, I had to be strong – or so I thought I was. Little did I know, for every change there is an equal and opposite payment.

For example, I stopped being a jealous freak. It went to trash, gone, no more. But it came with a price, a price I had no idea I paid which through the years had resulted into more not-so-good things. I gave up one ‘bad’ trait, I paid an equal and opposite payment, and ended up having more ‘bad’ traits that I was sugar-coating all these years.

So I have to break that something AND someone. Enough is enough. I’m not happy with who I am, I’m not happy with what’s happening in my life. Enough is enough.

Six months later, mission accomplished. I found the bits and pieces of me that I threw away. I found the good things about me that my friends of my younger years loved about me. But once again, it came with a price. A price I have to pay again, for in every change there is an equal and opposite payment.

With those good things back, the price I paid was – mr. jealous freak is back also. And for the past few days (and weeks), especially today, I am feeling jealous over someone, some people, things that I saw and read a few minutes ago. It’s back and so far I can control it, but for how long?

I can say I am better equip today than before, with what I have experienced in the years that passed. But I do not know how long I can keep mr. jealous freak at-bay.

The challenge now for me is to find an equilibrium. The pre-trash me and the post-trash me are currently waging a war inside of me. In fact back in July, I already had a fit of rage, had been at the lowest in my life, went through the deepest depression I ever experienced, it was total chaos. It took me weeks to get back in control.

It’s a roller-coaster life. Have you been in this state before? Where your two selves are waging a devastating war inside of you for days, weeks, and months (and I hope not years)? How did you manage?

Right now, this is what I am going through. The new me can not be if I will not be able to combine these two me’s. No, I don’t have a multiple personality disorder, I’m an INFP – Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception. We are deep and we go deep. We think about everything and we try to comprehend every facet of everything.

What do I do? I don’t know. We’ll see. I think writing these thoughts, feelings, and challenges down is one good way of finding a balance – with the goal of merging the two.

Good night, signing out.

Is a self-confessed bibliophile and technophile other than being an early adopter, an avid gamer, a geek, nerd, role-player, anime otaku, and trekker.

His first online project was in 1998 when he launched the unofficial website for Ansalon MUD and his own community forums Laibcoms.Community. By 2003 he created his work blog GM-Yukino which grew into gameshogun™, Snoworld™, and techmagus™.

His website is jcsesecuneta.com and 1way.faith. He also owns Clean Real Food, YourOnly.One, Adorable & Beautiful, and other online properties.

CC BY-SA 4.0 ⅓ Life Crisis: Road To A Better Me by Yuki is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License. Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at Legal Notice.

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